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March 8th, 2009
01:22 am - ASB DC
Wow. ASB DC. I knew Alternative Spring Break in Washington DC dealing with issues on HIV/AIDS was going to be amazing this year, but I didn't know just how much. incredible. The week beforehand I wasn't sure if I was going to have as of an amazing time as last year, but I was wrong. On so many levels, this trip was amazing. The things we saw and talked about were amazing, thought-provoking. The discussions, life-maps, and conversations were silly during times and INTENSELY profound during others. This trip has touched me on so many levels as a person- my faith, my academics, my future, my relationships with others- wow.
First, I'd like to start off with what we did in DC. Every morning from 9am to 12pm, we worked with Food and Friends, helping to prepare, package, and deliver healthful meals and groceries to 1350+ people living with HIV/AIDS, cancer, and life-challenging illnesses throughout the Washington DC Metro Area.
On Monday afternoon, we made condom packets at Metro TeenAIDS and was given a brief overview of HIV/AIDS in the DC area. DC's AIDS rate is TEN TIMES that of the Nation's average, and somewhere in the trip, we learned that it was higher than the rate in parts of Africa. We also went to an education session and brief service to SMYAL, Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League. On Tuesday afternoon, we helped the Pediatric AIDS/HIV Care help revamp and clean some of their facilities.
By far, I would say, the most influential afternoon for me was Wednesday, working with PreventionWorks, a harm reduction program that operates primarily via a mobile service unit. Clients are served weekly at a 12 needle exchange sites located near active drug strips. Basically, we went into their office for a brief overview first, and then went to one of their actual needle exchange sites. There, I met Tafari, a transgender worker who led us through the neighborhood where we did some outreach by handing out condoms and promoting the HIV testing and needle exchange that was going on in the needle exchange van. During this excursion in the neighborhood, we saw a drug deal operation, talked to some pedestrian women, and got sexually harassed (sort of). Basically, one of the guys we handed out condoms to grabbed my site leader's hand and was like "If I get tested, can we have safe sex later?" That was scary- no joke. The entire thing was scary, but more to come later in the entry about that.
Thursday afternoon, we helped put stickers on pamphlets for Community Education Group, nonprofit org that focuses on the creation and expansion of programs and projects, which addresses the health, socioeconomic, environmental and systemic challenged facing the African American community. Friday afternoon, we did an info session at OurPlace DC, which supports women who are or have been in the criminal justice system by providing the resources they need to maintain connections with the community, resettle at incarceration, and reconcile with their families.
Friday night was Teen Supreme Night, which was a huge party outreach to a community. At this party, condoms were handed out and HIV/AIDS tests were given. During Teen Supreme Night, a bunch of neighborhood boys challenged four of us to a basketball game and basically kicked us in the butt. It was an definitely interesting experience.
Needless to say, this week has been phenomenal in terms of education, awareness, and everything else. Also, the group did life-maps, which is basically the telling of your life story. For everyone, we basically spent an hour to 1.5 hours listening to their life story and then 30 minutes asking questions. I pretty much feel an intimate connection to everyone in my ASB group now from their life stories and just conversations throughout the week. It's been an amazing - absolutely amazing time.
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THE REFLECTION:
So this week has been amazing! I guess I'll do bullet point of things that touched me/ things I was reminded of/ things that I learned.
1. There are so many gray areas in the world. For instance, does handing out condoms prevent the spread of STDs and HIV/AIDS, or do they encourage the spread of the diseases? When do we draw the line as society in terms of earliest age to give them out... or how available will they be made? What about sex education- should we teach how to properly put on condoms? Part of the problem is that people don't know how to have safe sex... but perhaps by doing this awareness, we encourage people to have sex when they're 11,12,13 years of age - ridiculous, quite.
2. You should meet people where they are- not where you are. A lot of times people ask why don't high schoolers go to the school nurse to get condoms or why don't people in poor areas go somewhere like a health clinic to obtain safe sex materials... the answer is a lot of things: pride, image, and a whole bunch of other factors. A lot of times people do pumping parties because of this too... the big thing this week is outreach. You have to meet people WHERE THEY ARE- NOT WHERE YOU ARE. We are often high and lofty, studying HIV/AIDS from a removed academic perspective. People with STDs may just be a statistic to us. However, doing outreach in the neighborhood with PreventionWorks put my head into reality. We must show how much we care about others by meeting their needs, by showing that we're willing to step into their world and try to understand them. We show our love this way, in hopes of them trusting and opening up to us.
3. Along the same lines, I learned how to be client-based in a non-corporate world entity. For example, a lot of the nonprofit orgs we worked for were client-based and instead of saying "here are our services, use them," they approached the people and said, "what are your needs? let us help you in any way possible."
4. Remember your roots. When I was younger, I was poor. I didn't have money for Christmas presents or brand-new clothes or anything. I wasn't in a good education school district either. It was an experience that shaped my world lens, but since my family had become upper-middle class, I sometimes forgot the hardship experienced. Going to the poor neighborhoods for PreventionWorks and Teen Supreme night really brought me back to my experience back in New Orleans when I was in elementary school. It reminded me of how precious money is and how blessed I really am with money. It reminded me to never take things I have for granted or to feel entitlement for certain things when a great number of the population can't afford even necessities. It reminded me never to forget where I was and to carry it with me into the future, whatever profession I take on- finance, economics, law.
5. First impressions are very important. When I was talking to a few people in the group, I realized how I thought I came off wasn't how I really came off (on a first impression basis). In the future, I will definitely be more mindful of how to present myself.
6. Throughout this whole trip, I've been humbled by the people I've seen and things I've learned. I think sometimes it is easy to make comments like, "they're not rich because they didn't work hard enough." It is easy to become insensitive and see how many people do not have the opportunities you do. I think I will try my best to keep this in mind for the future no matter where I go or whom I meet.
7. People judge you when they see you. A number of things run through their mind. However, you've got to just keep going and do your best to be yourself and prove them wrong. Also, it is important to remember not to judge a book by its cover. During the life-maps, I learned so much about people that helped me understand who they are and where they come from, and it reminded me that people's life experiences have really molded and shaped them, and that we, as fellow human-beings, are in no place to judge others.
On top of everything, the conversations we had and the service we did on this trip brought up a ton of questions and issues that caused me to question my values and beliefs and understand myself more. It reminded me of how much I needed to know my beliefs more and to have a deep understanding of what I believe and why I believe it.
It's made me want to seek after God even more and really understand and get to know Him. There are so many questions in this world that true, wise answers only come from God, and I desire to know His heart and His will. I love Jesus, and I hope that my life will glorify Him, and that His Will will be done.
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01:21 am - so i don't know if you view my journal...
but my entries longer than 2 sentences are mostly friends only.
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December 25th, 2008
11:07 pm - so i just watched "becoming jane"
and i think LOVE sucks.
the end.
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December 16th, 2008
11:46 am - i can't wait till
tomorrow at 5pm when i get finally get my life in order.
yay for the end of finals tomorrow!
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November 9th, 2008
11:33 pm - it's too hard
putting your heart out there, waiting/wishing for love in return,
because if it doesn't, it'll hurt like hell.
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November 6th, 2008
11:46 pm - i am infatuated...
yes i am.
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September 18th, 2008
10:59 pm - hours pass and she still counts the minutes
So to procrastinate today, I started facebooking my wall-to-walls with a whole handful of people. As I did that, I started to get really, really sentimental. I realized how much my heart missed certain people, how much I miss having them around, and how much they meant to me. I miss how close I used to be to them, who I was around them, and what kind of person they inspired me to be.
Hours pass and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised
-Jack's Mannequin
Then, I got an idea to start listening to my favorite artist ever: Andrew McMahon... And I can't decide if that's good or bad. I got a bit "jean-emo" and started contemplating. On one side, your heart tells you to try things again, allow yourself to be vulnerable, allow yourself to be as happy as you were before. On another hand, your pragmatic self tells you to move on and to stop thinking about might have been's, could have been's, and to start focusing on the future and on new opportunities.
piece by piece, and bit by bit
i'll break this down for you, real slow
but i can't whisper all of this
and i can't seem to let this go
so i'll watch the matches, turn to ashes
-Something Corporate
One of the biggest fears that people have is something like this: what if I never find anyone better? what if I can't my other half? what if I'll never have friends like them again? what if I just missed my destiny? And my answer to that is no one knows the future (except God of course), but if you never go swimming, how can you tell what condition the water is? That's a cliched saying, but the biggest regrets are the risks you don't take.
Sometimes, that means to go back to loved ones. Sometimes, that means to start getting to know other people better. I've boiled down human hesitancy to two main factors: fear and pride.
Fear is obvious. I've mentioned this many, many times. What if I'm not good enough? What if I"m not pretty enough? What if I'm not interesting enough? What if I embarrass myself in front of them? What if...? What if...?
Pride is something I contemplated over the summer while watching seasons 1-4 of One Tree Hill. I learned a lot from the Brucas relationship (and yes I'm Brucas fan... however, I do not like Lucas as much anymore... maybe I'm really a die hard Brooke/ Ho's over Bro's Fan).
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September 14th, 2008
10:57 pm - as we get older...
As I'm listening to Socratic's "I Haven't Seen You in Years," a lot of thoughts run through my mind.
1. There are people on this campus I'd like to get to know better, but as we get older, we need a legit excuse to actually talk to them. It gets harder and harder by the day just to be bubbly and friendly for fear of a negative reaction. Or maybe it's not even the fear of someone blowing you off... maybe it's the fear of being inadequate. What if I'm not cool enough? What if I'm not good-looking enough? What if I don't belong? What if I'm a waste of their time?
I find it sad that there are phrases at the tip of my tongue I'd like to say to start a conversation with someone, but I just don't and then I just miss my opportunity. Well, I'm praying that my courage grows, that it grows so great that I won't need to think twice about the conversation starters that I want to throw out.
2. Who I am... Who I am is a lot different than a lot of other people. Everyday I find out more about this world, hear more stories about people, feel a bit isolated in a new way. This isn't a bad feeling; it's more of a feeling of acknowledgment that people choose to live their lives differently than I do.
It is NOT difficult at all for me to accept people for who they are. Speaking from an observer's perspective, the spectrum grows wider as I grow older- the events I hear about and the diverse array of cases, of social situations that I will probably never encounter in my life.
3. I often wonder about my life, especially my future. What am I destined to be? Am I destined for greatness? Is greatness sometimes a curse? What do I major in? What do I do after college? These uncertainties plague me. These doubts plague me. These big decisions scare me. And here's the thing: there's no easy answer. No one is going to make decisions about your life asap and spoonfeed you, and if that does happen, I'm sure the human tendency of trying to control one's own path will take over (or feelings of regret will).
4. I have so much to do. Philosophical ramblings that help me clear my mind often take away my time, but they're so good for me. They're good for me to breathe.
Praise God for the wonderful people I encounter everyday to encourage me and support me.
Praise Jesus for His tender mercies and loving kindness.
God Grant Me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the things
I can, and the wisdom
to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things
right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy
in this life,
And supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
-Reinhold Niebuhr
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August 24th, 2008
02:24 am - don't you wanna forget where you're from?
it's a bit sad that people still don't understand the complex nature of human beings... of people like me?
if i told you that every 3 months, i might experience a flash of depression, would you believe me?
i'm glad i can light up people's faces. that is the best part of my day- making someone smile whom i don't know. it's the best, simply the best. but there's a lonely part of me, that is smothered more and more as i pour my heart and energy out.
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
i find that the best moments in life may be shadowed by a tinge of another uneasy feeling.
so many young faces and lives that i'm impacting... so intense.
i'm scared about school starting. :X
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August 23rd, 2008
01:03 am - you pray for change when you turn out the lights.
peace, punch, captain crunch!
It's entirely difficult to find your place in a completely foreign world. It's difficult. I find myself fascinated by the first-years' first week at Vanderbilt. So many different people; so many different worlds... COLLIDE. It's an extremely rare, beautiful, exquisite phenomenon. The same journey to finding oneself lived out by 1570 people. It's completely and utterly simple: simply life.
As I watch my first-year VUceptees and residents, I feel energized, alive. The life they have zaps me into me. As I influence and mold them, I am molded. I am charmed by their subtle ways; I am grateful for their acknowledgement and love. As they enter their journey to test their integrity, character, and substance, I catch myself entering the same journey- just a second year.
Ever been in a situation where you want to do something to make you feel accepted and cool, yet you know it is against your gut feeling whether to do it or not? It's sad that in certain conversations or situations, I still feel that way, and I still don't know if I can gather the strength either to resist in a humble way or to change my habits... perhaps change is the hardest thing. I am afraid of changing into someone I won't recognize. I fear for an ambiguous identity.
While first year students are having the times of their lives, I see myself dancing, laughing, having fun and just living- living the life I have always dreamed of... to be able to positively influence people, students, as well as have fun with people with common interests. That was what I felt with my fellow VUceptors and RA staff- great people; like-minded people. Yet, as I feel such a deep, infectious delight instilled in me as I recognize these connections made, there is a part of me that houses an insecurity.
I never dreamed to be able to have such an intense happiness, to be accepted unofficially as an upperclassmen. An upperclassmen in the sense that there is no longer an invisible first-year division between me and the rest of the school. When older students treat me just like them... is that good or is that bad? Does it make me seem less innocent, and does it make it seem more okay to put me in harder situations to answer harder questions and to make harder decisions- this time in front of people deemed friends- people who claim to know you? Is there a price to be cool? Maybe all along, it would have been better to have stayed a caterpillar instead of sprouting my wings into a social butterfly.
Who am I? What am I about? What will be my legacy here at Vanderbilt? What will I carry with me?
All those questions waiting to be answered. Rich floods of thoughts stream through my head. As I contemplate all of these confusing thoughts, I continue to plow through my doubts, fears, worries. As I face these questions, I see one thing that stands out: my integrity... is it so easy to lose your integrity, or is integrity an illusion, defined by what everyone else thinks of you? I want to be sure about my answer. I want to be firm. Yet, it's difficult because of the natural need for human acceptance and affection- things that may make you doubt yourself.
I hope that this year I will be able to stand firm in my integrity and not let a part of myself down. I hope to keep the love, joy, and laughter that radiates within my soul, reflecting the excitement of my residents and VUceptees. I hope to let real people find out the real me as I continue on my journey of discovery.
"That is happiness; to be dissolved into something completely great."
-Willa Cather
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